STRANGE VISITORS EXPECTED SATURDAY NIGHT
Authorities Urge Residents to Remain Calm; Local Podcast Team to Investigate Reports of Extraterrestrial Activity
PHILIPPI, W.Va. — Reports of unidentified visitors, mysterious disturbances and an alarming number of people preparing their favorite blankets have authorities anticipating what could be the strangest Saturday night in Philippi history.
Officials with Cosmic Realms have confirmed that an unusual gathering is expected to take place Saturday evening, Nov. 14, culminating in a public exhibition of the notorious motion picture Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Residents are advised not to panic.
At least, not yet.
7 PM: INVESTIGATORS ARRIVE
The first known response to the situation will come at approximately 7 p.m., when the Main Corpse podcast conducts a special live recording at Cosmic Realms.
Main Corpse, described as a bi-weekly true crime and foodie program, has made a name for itself by investigating the suspicious circumstances while patronizing local Appalachian restaurants, pairing reviews of the regional dining establishments with intriguing true-crime stories.
Whether the organization is equipped to handle extraterrestrial activity remains unclear.
"We've dealt with some pretty strange stories," sources close to the podcasters reported. "But we've never had to investigate an invasion from outer space."
Following the live recording, Main Corpse will provide an official introduction to the evening's cinematic evidence.
9 PM: THE DEAD WILL RISE
At the conclusion of the podcast recording, Cosmic Realms officials will begin a special showing of Plan 9 from Outer Space, the notorious science fiction motion picture involving flying saucers, visitors from beyond the stars and an alarming number of people who refuse to remain properly deceased.
The film will be shown outdoors, weather permitting.
Witnesses are encouraged to bring blankets or other comfortable seating arrangements.
Authorities emphasize that the blankets are for comfort and not as protection against alien attack.
An indoor location has been secured should inclement weather interfere with the outdoor operation. Officials declined to comment on whether the indoor location would provide adequate protection from extraterrestrial forces.
CITIZENS ENCOURAGED TO DRESS APPROPRIATELY
Those attending the event have been authorized — and, in fact, strongly encouraged — to dress as characters from Plan 9 from Outer Space.
Residents may choose to appear as aliens, scientists (real or cosplay), zombies or other individuals who have found themselves caught up in the ongoing crisis.
Observers report that no official distinction has yet been made between "cosplay" and "actual extraterrestrial infiltration."
Anyone who encounters a suspiciously dressed individual is advised to remain calm.
ASTERIX VIDEO JOINS THE DEFENSE
Providing critical support for the evening is Asterix Video, a local purveyor of vintage entertainment and artifacts.
Located inside Eloquence Antiques at Mountaineer Mall, Asterix Video is known to stock VHS tapes, horror movies, vintage toys, vinyl records and other materials from a bygone civilization.
Officials have not ruled out the possibility that the store's extensive collection of horror films and vintage media may have somehow attracted the visitors.
Asterix Video representatives declined to comment on whether they possess any classified footage of previous extraterrestrial encounters.
OFFICIAL WARNING
Cosmic Realms officials are asking attendees to remember that Plan 9 from Outer Space is a motion picture and that extraterrestrial invasion is not currently confirmed.
However, citizens should remain vigilant.
If you observe:
Unidentified flying objects
Strange lights in the sky
A suspiciously large number of zombies (moderate amount of zombies ok)
please report the incident to the nearest Cosmic Realms volunteer.
Do not attempt to confront extraterrestrial entities yourself.
